feral children into the wild

i wish i weren't so tragic.
i wish i actually BELIEVED what i believe... i wish i could make compatible emotions with rational thought...
what are these emotions? what are they for? why do i despise the idea of having them artificially controlled, or worse still, eradicated altogether?
WHAT PURPOSE DO YOU SERVE? and why does this matter?

Why did Socrates even feel the need to declare that he knew nothing at all? of course, isn't it blindly obvious that the more possibilities we discover, the less certain we will be...

and to come full circle.

all that i am certain of is these damned emotions that i feel. surely that's all we can ever be certain of, they're innate and are probably the essence of the 'self', the 'I', that we speak of when we speak at all about what can be known... for surely, the 'I' cannot refer to rational thoughts, observations or theories, which are so transient, inconsistent, often false. we sometimes call our emotions false, but to do so is chimerical. they might be falsely interpreted but are never just FALSE. false is the things we claim to 'know'.

so.

knowing nothing, being aware that most likely the entire world is entirely indifferent to my existence, to where can i venture from here? how to live? TO live?

have i examined my life, yet, enough that it is worth living? because, damn it, i just feel as though the more it's examined, the more it's utter futility emerges.

funnily enough, i feel alive only when i am really living i.e experiencing those things which i profess to doubt.................
(tentatively, i might go so far as to say i can be profoundly happy when 'living')

i saw some seagulls today, flying across a blossom tree... the two images seemed incommensurate, but it was really quite beautiful. frothy bursts of pink, slashed with bright white stark lines.

i love birds. don't we all? i think that's what Hitchcock was trying to say in his film... or at least, it's my interpretation of what he was trying to say. it's out of jealousy that we trap them in cages, because they are so free, so vivid, and serene and.... well traveled!!! their extraordinary perspective is something we might benefit from
(NIMBY would surely cease to be a problem? when it stares us right between the eyeballs, we are apparently far more willing to confront it. seeing is believing.)

i have never noticed this before, but all of my notebooks and things are covered with birds (and flowers).... something in me is fond of the wild. i HAVE noticed that i am happiest roaming through the thickets or ambling around in the sand and sea... i could have been a gypsy. i am madly jealous of the girl in 'Gone to Earth', and furious that she should be corrupted.

feral.

that is what my children will be. that is what we all should be.




('should'. ahahahha.)