nausea

i wonder if anybody else in the world perpetually feels as though they want to go home, to a place that they have yet to discover?

earlier this week, i returned to the world as i perceive it, and embraced everything with open arms...
...and shortly afterward remembered why i prefer to exist in the theoretical world of mind: being in this world leaves me lost at sea, and sea-sick.

i have replaced the feeling of paralysed inertia with one of fear and loathing (in las vegas...aha. how original. get me.)

problem. i either struggle with feeling that i am so uncertain of reality that i might as well revert to nihilism, or accept reality and so acutely feel it's pain that i want to die. not MY pain, note. IT'S pain.

£230 of waste each and every day from one small shop out of hundreds of millions. elderly BNP candidates who are driven by fear to hate and ignorance. greed. consumerism. materialism. fiery fucking lakes of burning sulphur and families who are scared and people who are lonely and a hostile world which makes half of us crazy.

yes there is beauty and goodness. and in a few days i will have re-discovered it and will cherish it again. this i can promise. but for now... if you look for me, i'll be trying to navigate my way back to shore, across the waves of bubbling lava.